Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Whoa… oh I see lol
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.