When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.