I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
😂🤣😂🤣
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….