What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Autocorrect completely socks
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.