It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
You Might Also Like
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
me logging onto twitter
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
This is enough internet for the day.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?