In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
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People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this