Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Yup.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Seems a bit forward
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.