Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
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Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me