DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”