[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
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PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.