good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
house sitting!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*