Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Every time my phone rings
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman