Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
You Might Also Like
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running