Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Good boy 😂😂
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.