If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
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Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.