*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
You Might Also Like
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I love twitter
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing