I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
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My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
The glockness monster
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
No. YOU-buprofen.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you