I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
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I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle