All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.