I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Seek kebab; not attention
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.