I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Cardio Made Easy
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???