[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.