Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT