Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.