[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Great Canadian literature.
Sharon, call the vet
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.