I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
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I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”