Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.