Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
You Might Also Like
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie