Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
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– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Your secret is safeish with me
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee