3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
You Might Also Like
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
s
oc
i
a
l
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”