My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
You Might Also Like
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.