i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
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Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES