Drive as I say, not as I drive.
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[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”