I want to meet the individual who made this
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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