Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
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Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.