“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
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“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.