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Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.