If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.