Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
rich people when they have to pay taxes
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”