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Oh thanks BBC.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
asking santa clause for nudes
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.