I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I don’t make the rules sorry
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.