DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
u spoke cat all this time??????