Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
my parents didn鈥檛 raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I鈥檓 not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I鈥檝e seen some cooking shows.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 馃檪
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
This is my emotional support knife.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we鈥檙e not like them
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
If science is so great how come they haven鈥檛 invented a way to compliment someone鈥檚 smell without sounding like a serial killer
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver鈥檚 seat headrest. If you don鈥檛 use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I鈥檓 on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it鈥檚 all my fault.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I鈥檓 stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked