8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
wtf is a larm clock?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.