GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I hate my earbuds.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My time has come.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.