I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: