[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
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Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby