[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
You Might Also Like
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Not recommended for beginners.
I love twitter
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.