heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
You Might Also Like
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
sliding into dms like
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
no cat here
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird