Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
You Might Also Like
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]